the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
