we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We just shotgunned beers for America
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
