you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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