I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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