not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
