Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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