Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
