and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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