I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
