Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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