I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
