Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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