I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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