I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
