the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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