You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
