How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
