i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
