I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
