I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
