That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
