The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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