I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize