that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
