I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
