It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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