why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
