we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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