She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did I show you my penis last night?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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