im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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