The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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