i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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