i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
