Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
