id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
