The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
