the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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