I look better un-naked...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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