Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
