remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
