Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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