he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
