ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
