How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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