Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
