I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
