if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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