I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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