I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
