i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
