I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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