i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
