I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Naked. naked and bneed help.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
