well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
