Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i will never coherently bang her
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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