this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
