literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
