I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You ruined the universe
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
