I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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