i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I have aggressive nipples.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
