she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize