The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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