You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
