So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
