I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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