it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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