You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
