i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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