i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
