oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
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