i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have so many feelings about this burrito
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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