My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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