i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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