is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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