There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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